Our feelings are how we find each other


SHE: But I’m so afraid that what I say is going to hurt him!

ALAN: You’re allowed. Okay? And the reason you’re allowed is because you don’t MEAN to hurt him, you’re not trying to hurt him. This is really, really important for all of you to hear. When you hold things back or you’re untrue to yourself because you’re afraid of hurting someone, there’s an incredible step you can take. In your heart, without saying anything – not making yourself a guru, just quietly in your own heart and consciousness – you give this person permission to feel whatever they feel when you are true to yourself. You TRUST that it is good for them to feel whatever they’re feeling!

I’m like this with you all the time. I give you my truth, and there are times when my truth may make you cry, or make you angry. I accept because I am not out to hurt you; on the contrary, when I give my truth, the harder it may be to hear, the more important that I give it lovingly. If I give you my truth it is because my soul tells me that I need to say this. I give myself permission to say it, and you have my permission to feel whatever you feel. I’m inviting you to open and be friendly with whatever I am touching in you. If you get angry, by the way, it is usually because you are NOT in friendship with what is being touched in you. So you want to fight and argue – your anger is a defence against what you don’t like in yourself. This is why, whenever you get angry, it is good to breathe into and tune in with where the anger is coming from, instead of just acting out your anger. There is lots more to say about being angry, but I’ll keep it for later.

So if I say something to you and you feel like you want to cry, my sincere hope is that you will allow yourself your tears. Or laughter, or anger! But not walk away! I want you to learn how to keep being here anyway. This is one of the greatest gifts you can give each other here: be real and allow everybody else here to experience whatever they experience in encountering your realness. This is what makes The Art of Being different from what’s happening out there in the world. People are afraid to affect each other. It is as though everybody is wearing a ‘Do not disturb!’ sign. Then we are all isolated from each other, afraid to touch each other’s feelings. Our feelings are how we find each other!

T.S. Eliot in one of his poems has a very timid man ask: Do I dare disturb the universe? Yes, and each other. It’s all about your intention. If you have bad intentions, it just means that you need to make friends with the fears and wounds that drive them. If your intention is to open your heart, awaken into being and learn how to BE IN LOVE, that’s all the intention you really need. Then if your man is upset by your truth, let him be upset. And you can say to him, I’m sorry you’re upset, I love you anyway. You can even say goodbye with love if you have to.